Recently I came across an article in the Boston Globe stating, essentially, that a woman drank some Listerine, drove, and was subsequently arrested for DUI. I had previously thought that the “specially denatured” alcohol used in mouthwashes and other cosmetic products did not intoxicate when ingested. Obviously, someone is wrong here, and I fear it may be me. I plead for your wisdom on this subject. –Casey Bennett, via e-mail
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Listerine abuse has got to be the stupidest form of private amusement since . . . well, I was about to say since biblical knowledge of the Hoover Dustette (see penis, surgical repair of wounds to), but on reflection I have to say intravenous lettuce injection, recently discussed in this space, is also up there. Anyway, to answer your collective questions briefly, no, denaturing of alcohol, special or otherwise, does not render it incapable of causing intoxication, and yes, you can get pretty hammered if you drink enough, although why anyone of legal drinking age would want to do so is a question that defies linear thought.
Listerine presumably is free of such toxins (which is not to say it’s entirely safe, a matter we’ll return to), though its manufacturer, Pfizer, declined to confirm exactly what form of SDA it does contain. However, my consultant Bibliophage, a resourceful fellow, deduces that Pfizer uses SDA formula 38-B as defined in the Code of Federal Regulations, since said formula is the only one listed that may include eucalyptol, menthol, methyl salicylate, and thymol, all of which are named as active ingredients on the Listerine label. Impress your buddies in the Dumpster with that.
