Who the hell wears swim caps anymore? I haven’t seen a swim cap in years. That question in your column last week from the swim-cap fetishist getting off on his visits to public pools was bullshit. I would think you, of all people, could see through it. –Sexy Saint Louis Girl

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I am happily married to a girl in her mid-20s. She recently brought home a Shetland sheepdog that she excitedly explained she had saved from the local pound. Three weeks later, I was in our neighborhood on business and decided to stop by the apartment to save the money I would otherwise spend on lunch. We have a rear door that opens into the living room and I couldn’t believe the scene I discovered upon entering: my wife, nude, spread-eagled on the couch, her Shetland sheepdog lapping eagerly at her pussy, ecstatic moans escaping from her throat! She ran to the bathroom as I stood there stunned. But the worst was when I noticed the open jar of Nutella sitting on the coffee table, a faint odor of hazelnut and chocolate in the air. We have never spoken about what happened. Are there health concerns she should be aware of? –A Dog at Most

Now this is a fake letter. About half of the fakes I get follow ADAM’s basic script: Man walks in, discovers his wife/girlfriend/sister/mother getting it on with a dog. Usually the woman has peanut butter smeared all over her crotch, so we’ll give ADAM a tenth of a point for creativity.

I work with a hot girl at a restaorant [sic] that likes to get Tahesian [sic] Face Masks. Now if you have never heard of them before, it’s when someone unloads their feecis [sic] on the other person’s face. She started out with guys her age, but recently turned to older men because their shit is thicker. Will her fetish cause her problems later on down the road? –Disturbed Coworker

So this guy tells me he is gay and wants to have sex with me. I said no way, I’m straight, and I don’t think you want my huge cock up your ass! He asked to see it. Because he was standing in front of the door not intending to release me, I dropped my pants and let him look. His mouth dropped open–my cock is huge. He decided he didn’t want it up his ass, but he wouldn’t let me go until I let him put his dick up mine. Not wanting to fight, I had to agree. So he took off his pants and started doing it with me! It hurt at first, but soon it started to feel SO good and I stopped trying to resist. Then I let loose with this huge, explosive orgasm.

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