My wife and I were married straight out of college. At the time I knew she suffered from a potentially debilitating mental disorder, so I came into the relationship with my eyes fully open. Since then, nine years and two children have followed. About two years ago her disorder began to get worse. Suicidal ideation, hallucinations, delusions, and the like. Her psychiatrist put her on a new medication that for the most part has eliminated her symptoms. Here’s my problem, and I feel extremely selfish for this: One of the side effects of the medication is a complete loss of interest in sex. She’s still loving and affectionate, but her libido is nonexistent. We’ve discussed and argued about this many times. Over the past six months we’ve reached a tacit agreement: I don’t ask, and she doesn’t pretend. I’m 32 years old and married to my best friend, who wants nothing to do with me sexually.
Best of Chicago voting is live now. Vote for your favorites »
Divorce is not an option: my children are my life. In addition, my wife needs me–and I take the “for better or worse” part seriously. More importantly, I love her. In short, I’m looking at forgoing sex for the rest of my life. I’m successful, intelligent, ambitious, kind, and better than average in the looks department. I’m flirted with frequently in my daily life, and I find myself increasingly desperate for even a small taste of sexual intimacy. What am I to do? –Desperately Seeking Anything
So, yeah, it sucks to be married to someone who, as the result of a necessary medical intervention, is completely uninterested in sex. Likewise, it sucks to be married to a man who, to preserve his own sanity, occasionally has sex with other women. But you have needs that have to be met, DSA, and meeting them isn’t just about satisfying your need for sexual intimacy. You’re feeling “increasingly desperate” about the prospect of “forgoing sex for the rest of [your] life.” If you don’t find a nice woman you can be sexual with–perhaps someone in a similar circumstance?–your desperation will eventually reach an emotional crescendo and you’ll sabotage your marriage. So do the right thing and fuck other people.
How serious is this problem? Deadly serious, I should think, since you say you “can’t survive” without sex and he’s apparently not willing to make any effort or changes, just excuses. Does he not love you anymore? Dunno, BARAAUP, but he clearly doesn’t love you enough to take your unhappiness at the current state of your love life seriously. DTMFA.
So what do you do? Talk it out with your crush–she may be all over you because she’s into you or all over you because she sees you as “safe,” i.e., married, and therefore not a potential boyfriend. And just because she tells you she wishes her boyfriend were more like you, TMM, that doesn’t necessarily mean she’s attracted to you. Anyone who repeatedly takes back a cheating, drug-using boyfriend has a taste for bad boys, something you’re definitely not. She may just be relying on you–aka using you–for emotional support while she gets her kicks from her bad-boy boyfriend.
