My 18-year-old sister met a creepy old man (COM) when he snuck into a dorm party at her college. He proposed to her on their first date after the party. Our parents were immediately suspicious because of the large age difference–COM is older than they are. My sister also told COM that our family is well-off. This made them suspicious about COM’s sudden proposal, so our parents hired a private investigator.
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We showed my sister the PI’s findings. She denied that any of this information was true, accused us of conspiring against her, and is now more determined than ever to marry COM! My sister will not listen to reason. Our parents have tried. The PI has tried. I have tried. My friends and her friends have tried to talk some sense into her, but she won’t listen. She’s planning a big wedding–for which our parents have told her they are not paying–and says she’s in love with “an older gentleman.” I am so worried about her and what COM will do to her if she marries him.
Nope.
I have gained some weight, but I’m not a monster. I always thought that there was a right person for everybody. Now I don’t know. I know you will tell me that there’s someone out there for everyone and that people find love at 50, 60, even 70. But I want someone now. I want to go out, have sex, and have fun. I have a good life–I read mystery novels, I watch TV, I surf the Web. But I feel so alone, and I just want to cry it hurts so much. Please help me! –A Lonely One Needs Encouragement
No disrespect to sperm licker-uppers or urine drinkers, but it’s entirely possible that the president can be counted among their number. A person’s political leanings, competence, and command of the English language tell us very little about his private sexual conduct. Indeed, one study in the mid-90s found that conservatives were, on average, kinkier than liberals. And as we’ve seen time and again, folks who bitch the most about the sexual perversions of others are frequently perverse motherfuckers themselves. Which means it’s entirely possible that the president licks Dick Cheney’s sperm off the ground three times a week and that you, Mike, long to drink a tall, warm glass of Bill Frist’s urine.
