I just finished reading the letter from Forced Air Ruined the Sheets, and frankly I’m shocked! Not at FARTS’s disgusting problem–a fart “went between the lips of [her] vagina” after sex–but shocked at you, Dan. Haven’t you ever heard of a pussy fart, Mr. Savage? Queefs? After all the pumping and squeezing of sex (especially doggy-style, in my experience) pockets of air are sometimes trapped up in the vaginal canal. As the muscles relax postorgasm, the air is released. It has nothing to do with the gas a woman might pass through her anus, as the vaginal opening and the anal opening are in no way connected–one is attached to the intestines, one to the uterus.
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Hope that helps, Dan, and good luck getting some of these visuals out of your head. Sign me the headmistress of… –Pussy University for Fags
What freaked me out about FARTS’s letter wasn’t that she queefed. FARTS didn’t queef. Obviously what happened to FARTS wasn’t clear, since so many of you wrote in to complain, so let me clarify: FARTS farted. Gas came out of her anus and the fart bubble, instead of exiting via her flapping butt cheeks, slipped forward and exited past her vaginal lips, causing them to flap. So FARTS didn’t queef, folks, she actually passed gas past her vaginal lips.
Second, since all the letters in this week’s column are from women who wanted to let FARTS know that she’s not alone, I wanna toss a little something in for all the readers out there who couldn’t care less where FARTS’s fart went: Hey, did anyone else out there think the big finale to Average Joe: Hawaii was a load of crap? The hot guy dumps the hot chick because she used to date Fabio?! Did he think that only virgins agree to go on reality dating shows to be courted by 25 guys at once? Puh-leeze.
The meandering, chaotic paths that farts sometimes take has been a subject of discussion among my girlfriends for quite a while. Everybody has a different horrifying story, but mine takes the cake: I was in a car, riding in the backseat with my legs crossed. We hit a bump and a bit of gas escaped and, much to my horror, traveled forward toward my vagina. It went in. I was horrified. My ass continued to leak gas that, due to my contorted position, continued to go into my vagina. I was, in effect, inflating myself! Of course, after getting out of the car and uncrossing my legs it all came out. It hasn’t happened since then, and I couldn’t be more thankful. Hope this helps, FARTS.
