In my 26 years I’ve had my fair share of relationships. I’m usually the one spooning up advice to friends hungry for wisdom. Sadly, I’m helpless to aid myself in my current situation. I met this girl four months ago, and she’s the woman of my dreams. If you met her you would know that angels exist on earth. The problem is that she’s married and has four kids. Her cheating husband is abusive to her (verbally, physically, etc). He’s raped her twice (once using a date-rape drug), and he was tried for the rape of a girl in the first year of their marriage. His kids seesaw between loving and fearing him.
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Sometimes the mail is sooooooooo depressing that I just want to think about other things–like Next. Last weekend I was stuck in a hotel room in Portland, Oregon, on account of a teensy-weensy hangover, and I caught a marathon of the MTV dating show. Here’s how it works: one person–say, a boy–goes on a blind date with a girl. If the boy doesn’t like the girl he says “Next!” and one of four other girls, all waiting on a bus, takes the first girl’s place. The rejected girl returns to the bus to be cruelly mocked by her rivals. The boy continues barking “Next!” until he finds a girl he likes. Sometimes there are five boys on the bus and a girl barks “Next!” And every once in a while five gay boys are on the bus and another gay boy barks “Next!”
But re-creating the five-bitchy-rivals dynamic that makes the hetero episodes of Next so entertaining wouldn’t be hard, MTV. Here’s what you do: round up five hairy bears who are only attracted to pretty twinks and let them compete for the, er, hand of one. Or have five white guys who are only into Asian guys competing for an Asian guy. Or five tops and one bottom. Or five Log Cabin Republicans and one CPA. Take a little more care with the casting, MTV, and you’ll be able to solve Next’s gay problem. You’re welcome.
Go. To. College. Far. From. Home. Meet. Some. New. Boys.
