I’m a 22-year-old woman, generally happy, but I have a problem with cheating. I’ve never been faithful to anyone, and I’ve had many relationships with men and women. Some found out, some didn’t. I’ve finally found someone I feel I can spend the rest of my life with. I’m happy with him on every level–but I still cheat. I’ve been told this could be sociopathic, but I’m not sure. I’ve always really loved sex, all kinds, and have done everything short of urine, feces, or anything illegal. I don’t have any guilt, but I also don’t want my boyfriend to find out and leave me or, worse, stay with me as I continue to break his heart through constant cheating. Would therapy help? I hope you have some advice. I just wish I could stop. –She Kraves Acrobatic Nookie Konstantly
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You say it’s not the skanking around that’s making you unhappy–you enjoy the sex, you enjoy multiple partners, you enjoy everything short of urine, feces, or criminal activity. If you’re telling the truth–if you’re not glossing over some deep-seated pain–the sex isn’t the problem. What’s troubling you is the deceit. You’re worried that this boy, like the boys and girls before him, will be hurt when he finds out you’re a lying, cheating skank.
Now, my advice would conclude with the previous paragraph if it weren’t for the last line of your letter: “I just wish I could stop.” If that’s how you truly feel, SKANK, then perhaps there is something pathological about your behavior. And here’s a little more evidence that your sexual adventures may not be coming from a particularly healthy place: someone like you, SKANK, surely knows that there are men and women out there–wannabe swingers, the polyamorous, the growing legions of cuckold fetishists–who would kill to be with a woman like you. The fact that you haven’t sought out any of these people and have instead dated and deceived the monogamously inclined is revealing. And what it reveals isn’t pretty: if you’ve avoided the swingers, the polyamorous, and the cuckold fetishists, SKANK, and sought out only guys and girls that will be hurt by your actions, then you’re not skanking around because you enjoy it. You’re doing it to wound and drive off people who attempt to get close to you. And that’s something you should definitely hash out with a shrink.
I’ve been married for under a year. I, wifey, have been the trifecta–controlling, insecure, jealous, and irrational–and it all got 100 times worse once we got engaged. I was bad; I made him miserable. But I’m now doing well in therapy. The problem? No sex. Hubby doesn’t want. He’s affectionate–no skimping on the hugs and kisses–and he treats me very well; still, he avoids sex. The worst part is that sometimes we’ll be making out and I can feel his hard-on, but he just won’t act on it. I know my trifecta turned him off, but I also know that he’s warmed up as I’ve gotten better. And I’m going nuts waiting. –Sexless in Windsor
