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Thomas Pinckney, 18, charged with criminal trespass in Tomah, Wisconsin, in June after a woman awoke at night to find him holding her arm, told police he had seen the woman’s keys hanging from her apartment door and was just trying to return them. A 27-year-old man, arrested in July after allegedly trying to rob a Bank of America in Enid, Oklahoma, told police he wanted the money to repay the national debt. And Thubten Dargyel, 51, charged in June with sexually assaulting and impregnating a severely developmentally disabled patient at the Madison, Wisconsin, health-care facility where he worked, told police he suffers from sneezing fits that cause him to ejaculate and that’s how the woman must have become pregnant.
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In July police in Virginia Beach, Virginia, picked up a young man staggering out of a restaurant that had just hosted a “Jackass” contest. The man’s scalp was bleeding where he’d received an amateur Mohawk haircut; his chest, stomach, buttocks, and legs were full of heavy-duty staples; and he had slice marks on his sides (from paper cuts and caning) and a broken collarbone (from doing a backflip off the bar). He told police he had also swallowed and vomited up a live goldfish and broken a beer bottle over his head. Though he apologized repeatedly for smelling strongly of urine (the result of making “snow angels” on the men’s room floor) he said that all in all he was proud of having won the contest. Afterward the restaurant’s manager was fired and two bartenders were reassigned to the pizza kitchen.
